There is a window,
Upon a wall.
A window, coloured green and red,
A perfect square.
On one side of this window,
There is a child,
Perfectly happy, surrounded by
Loving parents.
The child slowly grows up, but
Not too slowly.
Each day is a new adventure
For this one child,
Exciting, happy, sad, lonely, each day,
Is different.
And now the child is becoming a teen, but
Not too quickly.
They hang out with friends,
Make decisions.
They experience all the highs,
And all the lows.
They row with their parents, and
Everyone else.
But most importantly, this person's life is
A normal one,
Just like the life all other teens,
Experience.
On the other side of this wall,
A person sighs,
Watching this child grow up
And have a life.
That person one side,
That person's me.
That child the other side, is
Living my life.
Now here is the problem,
The awful thing,
The child is on one side of the window,
And I am on the other,
Just looking in.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I really like the rhythm of the poem here. But I just can't help but feel like somebody is reading this at a highschool graduation somewhere.
Otherwise, it's OK. I'd suggest using broader vocabulary. You're using really typical words. A little flourish here and there won't hurt.
I really love this poem so much. i think its my favourite of yours.
There's something about this bit that i love !
and also the last two lines..
i just love it!
Keep Writing!
I could really connect with your piece. But as stated earlier, your use of 'he' and 'they' confused me for a while. Is 'they' the group of teens or the single child/teen? -shrug- And the second verse when you introduce the older person, you could use a little clarity there as well.
Just some input
To clarify:
This was meant to be about a person looking into their life, so technically it is the same person but they are removed from their life. So both people mentioned are the same.
Hope this has cleared up any queries.
Ask if ur still not sure
1) I am confused. How did He go to They within a nanosecond?
2)"that person one side" seems to be missing a word or phrase
I am confused. Is a person living the life you should be having, and therefore you are jealous/upset? Are the two people (you and the kid) all one in the same? Clarity would be nice.
I like the first stanza, very clean, very fresh. The second I recommend working on--try to show more than tell.
-Medusa.